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What Sucks...Bears!
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What Sucks…The Reaper
Good night, Major Anthony “Tony” Nelson, you sonavabitch.
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What Sucks…Quick Hits Joke Dump: The Boy Scouts Of America, Bristol Palin, Hulk Hogan, Fergie
…The Boy Scouts Of America
Denied a 17 year-old Eagle Scout status because he’s gay! Here’s the official quote: “He hasn’t lived up to the principle of ‘Duty to God’”, said the Scoutmaster, who wants to be around young boys all the time, often in secluded areas of the woods!
…Bristol Palin
Kicked off Dancing With The Stars “Round of Champions”! Palin says she’s disappointed and asks that everyone please respect her privacy during this difficult time while she tries to figure out what reality show to do next.
…Hulk Hogan
A sex tape featuring the Hulkster hits the web and sadly the answer to, “What you gonna do, when Hulk-a-mania runs all over you?” is “Cringe and get a paper towel!”
…Fergie
In an interview with Oprah, Fergie said crystal meth made her so paranoid she thought the FBI was after her. The FBI called the suggestion “ridiculous” pointing out that making horrible music is not a crime.
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What Sucks…Team Breezy, Death Treat Tweets
...Always be respectful. Always keep your hands visible. Do not make any sudden movements. Maintain polite eye contact. Do not reach for anything...
The simple yet sad, set of instructions that inform young African American men on how to conduct themselves around the police? Or what Rihanna has to make sure she does when she goes out again with Chris Brown?!
Don’t tweet something like that or you will find yourself knee deep in some serious shit from “Team Breezy” who the other day death threatened @JennyJohnsonHi5 for a few hours. Luckily Jenny wasn’t too shaken up because, as we’ve discussed at WhatSucksBlog before, it’s pretty frigging hard to be intimidating death threat style in 140 CHARACTERS!
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What Sucks…PETA!
...ESPECIALLY IF YOU'VE BEEN IN THE NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS LOCKER ROOM AFTER A GAME!
Take a look at this thing...
...is this pro-animals, or pro-photoshopping?! I mean, Jeezus. You can put this picture on a wanted poster and have people come back to you with 200 people, NONE of them Wendy Williams.
That being said, kudos to Wendy Williams and god bless her comfort level with her own body. Hell, she is gorgeous and taking a picture like this takes balls...
...AS YOU CAN SEE FROM THE ABOVE PHOTO!
Kidding.
Honestly, she is more comfortable with her body than I am with mine. I envy that and I am not hating- can you picture a white woman doing something like this? The concept of a 50 something year old white woman undressing for a cause would be positioned as a threat- TAKE CARE OF THESE ANIMALS OR JOY BEHAR WILL GET NAKED!
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What Sucks…Quick Hits: NFL Players Using Viagra, Yassir Arafat, Angus T. Jones, Michael Jordan
…NFL Players Using Viagra!
I knew something was up when I saw Ed Reed tackle a guy from 5 yards away! What the hell is next? If you find yourself playing football for more than four hours, please consult your doctor!
…Yassir Arafat
Being exhumed?! Way to double down on the whole “don’t sleep in the same place twice” from the grave!
…Angus T. Jones
Tells us not to watch 2 &½ Men because it’s trash? Dude, speaking for a country of 350 million, we're way ahead of you!
…Michael Jordan Getting Kicked Out Of A Country Club
…for the shorts he was wearing. Normally when a black man is asked to leave a country club, it’s big news, but nobody should want to be like Mike when it comes to dressing, unless you own stock in companies that make mom-jeans and Nehru Jackets.
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What Sucks…Chris Brown
OR…this photo of him looking for Rihanna who is cleverly hiding under a camouflage blanket!
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What Sucks…The Reaper!
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What Sucks…Lindsay Lohan
How much longer can this go on?! And how many more times will her irresponsible behavior land her on in newspaper headlines and magazine covers?! Let’s be very clear to any of the young people reading- Lindsay Lohan is NOT a role model*!
(*denotes: unless you’re considering suicide by cop.)
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What Sucks…Quick Hits: The Kennedy Center Honors, Man Who Dressed Up As Madea To Rob A Bank, The English Language, Brussels Sprouts
Nice job giving an award to Led Zep! It’s about time someone was honored with a Mark Twain prize, who “F-ed” a girl with a fish!
It’s not so much that I am disappointed by the fact that a man dressed up as Madea to rob a bank, it’s how he somehow got Cicely Tyson, Alfre Woodard and Janet Jackson to act as accomplices! How tough is it out there to find roles for African American females!
There’s a word that means to tear something down. It’s called “Raze”. There’s a word that means to “bring up” or “erect”, guess what’s it’s called? “RAISE”! Good luck immigrants!
Love ‘em, I think it’s great when a food can come “pre-farted”.
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What Sucks…Rise Of The Guardians
Hey Hollywood- stop trying to make Jack Frost happen! He's horrifying!
Pay someone to make original characters! Even my three year old knows this is a cynical attempt to co-opt well known public domain characters you didn’t have to pay rights for and throw them in a movie so you can wring every last bit of Christmas cash out of parents who’d see anything not to have to spend time with their kids! (Or so I’ve heard!)
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What Sucks…Nestor The Long-Eared Christmas Donkey: A What Sucks Classic!
BLOG NOTE: So what if I’ve been watching a lot of “ABC Family’s 25 Days of Christmas” specials, I’m a new dad to a 13 month-old and still trying to figure out how to use the TV as a babysitter- get off my back! Anyway…
Rankin-Bass are the people who made some of the greatest and most classic Christmas holiday specials the world has ever seen. Among them are the aforementioned “The Year Without A Santa Claus”, “Santa Claus is Coming To Town” (featuring next year’s probable A-hole of Christmas “The Burgermeister”) and of course the granddaddy of them all, “Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer”. To give you an idea of how good “Rudolph” is by the way, “Isle of Misfit Toys” is their “C” storyline. C!!! You have the Rudy story (Reindeer as Christ figure), the Elf who wanted to be a DDS and then, oh yeah, there’s this phenomenal “Isle of Misfit Toys” that we’ll just throw in there with a George-In-The-Box or whatever his name is. A place forgotten by Santa where defective toys have to go. It’s the “Revolver” of Christmas specials where George basically had to fight to get Taxman in, where in any other group where the level of artistry wasn’t as high, they would have called the album “Taxman”.
Anyway, after creating Rudolph in 1964, then moving on to other spectacular triumphs such as “The Little Drummer Boy”, “Santa Claus…Town”, “Year Without..” and “The First Christmas”, someone in the company apparently developed a coke problem and lost all their money as they then did “Nestor The Long-Eared Donkey”.
Hmm, a story about an animal, who has a physical deformity which is ridiculed, leading him to be ostracized before he comes back to use that very deformity to save the day? Sound familiar? Something stinks here and I think it’s this blatant rip off of Rudolph. How high were you guys? “It’s like, ‘what if Dumbo was a mule, and somehow saved Jesus- hey give me some more of that sweet cocaine!’”
On top of all that, the story features (SPOILER ALERT) the incredibly sad death of Nestor’s mom, who follows Nestor out into the storm, covers his body with hers to warm him, and then freezes to death, so he basically wakes up with her corpse on top him. Also, there are weird cameos from Jingle and Jangle and Mrs. Claus of “The Year Without…” fame- what’s the matter, couldn’t shoe-horn Yukon Cornelius in?
Finally, the whole thing as again, mentioned time and time again on the net, is total bullshit. I checked the Bible, and believe me, there is some wild crap in there- virgin birth, angels trumpeting Jesus arrival, giving birth in a manger- even those dudes don’t try and bring in a Donkey with long ears protecting a baby!
Let this be a lessen to all- don’t judge on appearances, and don’t ruin the good work of a production company by developing a huge coke problem!
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What Sucks…Hef & His Bride to Be! (Crystal Harris!)
Come on, join in, in the comment section- no racism!
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What Sucks…Hurricane Sandy, Big Time.
Tonight is the 12.12.12. Concert For Sandy Relief. It will be televised live from New York City’s Madison Square Garden. The list of talent performing is completely insane- Bruce, The Who, Paul McCartney, The Rolling Freakin Stones, Eric Clapton, Eddie Vedder, aw Jesus- just look at the image above! Oh yeah and I was lucky enough to write for it. #NotSoHumbleBrag.
It’ll be on just about every cable channel tonight starting at about 7PM EST. Please watch and donate to those who in need of help.
Here’s the link to the website. http://www.121212concert.org/
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What Sucks Salutes …Women With Bad Taste In Men
…Dottie Sandusky (AKA Mrs. Jerry Sandusky)
Ooof. Pretty shitty husband picker. I bet deep down, she’s wishing she went with whoever her second choice was. Ironically, I think the same can be said for Jerry, although his second choice was an 11 year-old boy.
When dipshit/ jag-off Michelle Bachmann accused Humma Abedin of being a pawn of the Muslim Brotherhood™ people from all over sprang to her defense and decried Bachmann for being a "major douche" (emphasis mine). However if Bachmann started slowly with her discrediting of the (completely vetted by the US Government) high level Hillary Clinton aide, with something that was undeniable, like let’s say she perhaps was not screened thoroughly enough by the “good husband picker society” Bachmann would have had a case.
…Everyone Who Was Ever On "Teen Mom"
Enough said.
…Hyon Song-wol (Kim Jong-Un’s Girlfriend)
Not so much that she has bad taste in men, as it may be the State Sponsored Kim Jong-Un Girlfriend Search Committee does. Sure, her family will now be able to eat and perhaps have a TV, but at what cost?!
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What Sucks…Boots & Cops
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What Sucks…Quick Hits: Demi Moore, Stop & Frisk, The Dudes Who Sued The Bachelor, World’s Greatest Dad!
Things are heating up between Demi Moore and new boyfriend 26 year old Vito Schnabel. And by “heating up”, I mean Schnabel recently brought her a blanket because she was “feeling a draft!”
New York’s controversial Stop and Frisk program is headed to court where a judge will rule on its legality. Cops say they’re ready to defend it and will go all the way to the Supreme Court to stop and frisk Sonia Sotomayor if they have to!
A federal judge dismissed a discrimination case filed by 2 black men against “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette”. Not all is lost however as black men were able to retain the rights to Kim Kardashian.
…Concept of “World’s Greatest Dad!” So the World’s Greatest Dad gets a coffee mug, or a T-Shirt, and the world’s Worst Dad gets strippers, mistresses and booze! This has to be completely re-thought! Do. The. Math.*
*Denotes: I have been allowed to use the phrase “Do The Math” 5 times in the history of this blog without having to be punched in the nuts by one lucky reader. This is the second use of such phrase. I have three left.
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What Sucks Presents…Christmas A-holes: The Grinch (A What Sucks Classic)
Sure Christmas is the time to celebrate good will for all men and to wish for “peace on earth” and all that shit, but you also have to admit, as a time of year it can really bring the dicks out of the woodwork.
The Great A-holes of Christmas: Volume 1: The Grinch!
History has been kind of, well, kind to the Grinch. Ask yourself, what do you remember most about him? That his heart grew 3 times that day? That he carved the “roast beast”? That once upon a time he learned a valuable lesson about Christmas?
How about that he concocted and executed with disturbing aplomb a plan- which can only be described as insidious- to rob an entire community of a beloved holiday?
Kind of gets lost in the shuffle, doesn’t it? Why, because he decided in the end to “bring stuff back”? Just for the record, let’s review what this animal did-
- A conservative estimate of about 12-15 instances of “breaking and entering”. Which in Whoville or not, is a felony.
- I’ll low-ball estimate the monetary value of the stuff he took- let’s put it in the range of 50 thousand dollars- grand larceny by any measure, a felony.
- I’ll throw in “endangering the welfare of a child”, a felony.
- Numerous instances of cruelty to animals, a felony.
Right there we are looking at a criminal the likes of which we seldom see. And why? Because his shoes were too tight? Because his heart was too small? Because he couldn’t take noise?
I’m sorry, this guy is a dick. I remind you he stole ice cubes out of someone’s freezer, the pedals off a poinsettia AND a crumb from a mouse. He stole ice cubes from someone’s ice tray! Look at the film!
Not only that, multiple times he endangered his dog by either forcing him to act as an accomplice to precariously parking his sleigh on the peak of a mountain, with Max still tied to it.
The dude should be in the Whoville county jail.
The Grinch- a serious Christmas A-hole.
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What Sucks…Quick Hits Joke Dump: Klhoe Kardashian, Demi Moore, The Two Dudes Who Sued The Bachelor, Kanye
Congrats on a full season of hosting The X Factor, looks like all those years of hosting two X chromosomes paid off!
Breaking up with her boyfriend already?! Well, on the plus side that does clear the way her to date the eTrade baby.
…The Judge In The Case Where Two Dudes Sued The Bachelor
Look, I get it that you ruled against them, but did you have to announce your verdict by dramatically handing a rose to the lawyers for ABC?!
Brilliant move, counselors! I wonder how many times you had to stop the witness mid-sentence by saying, “Yes, thank you Mr. West, but we were not asking how hot Kim’s tape with Ray J got you…” By the way, how bout a “spoiler alert” for how next season’s “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” ends after Kanye gets married to Kim and then divorced the next day!
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What Sucks…Chimney Sweeps!
“Hmmm…yes sir, one over coat and hat - that will be 12 grand…”Break out the sweats!
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